I’ve been going through some rough days lately. Internally. In this article I’ll write about my experience in the work place and how it impacted my mental health. TL;DR I’ve worked in Social Media & Marketing for about 12 years now, and for the past year, I’ve been working in this company that I really thought would be the one. When I saw the job posting, I remember thinking: There’s no way that job won’t be mine. The brand seemed cool. Young. Fun. A brand that felt aligned with who I am. But the reality once I started was very different. I found myself slowly losing energy, confidence, and joy in a space that was supposed to be inspiring. And that’s when the clash between career and mental health began.
First, the song of this article is here:
To give you some context: I’ve been experiencing workplace abuse from my team for over a year. After a lot of internal struggle, I decided to talk to both my therapist and my general practitioner… and both agreed that taking a medical leave would be the best option for my mental health. This was 2 months ago.
In the weeks that followed, my partner told me that I had improved a lot. I was happier. More energetic. I felt like that too. But lately, I’ve been caught in these internal battles about going back to work.
My boss is no stranger to the situation I’ve been through. More, I’d go as far as saying he was complicit. I told him about the comments I was hearing. The jokes they were having as a result of me not being a native Spanish speaker. And the constant invalidation and superiority complex I faced for being Romanian. As hardly something good could come from my home country.
You are more sensible. I had to tell you these things more carefully.
I heard these words from my boss many times. As it was my fault that my colleagues are bullying me. He told me most of the times that I have to stand up for myself. If they made bad comments about me, I should make bad comments about them. Like we were in kindergarden.
They were racist. Xenophobic. Constantly speaking badly about everyone. They used to say that in our office, only four people were actually working. When I pushed back, saying that wasn’t true, they hit me with: “Well, that’s what our boss says.” I mean… seriously, WTF?
They believed that jobs were handed out to unqualified people. That depending on how much alcohol you drank, you were seen as a better or worse employee. I don’t drink nearly as much as I used to, but apparently, that’s a problem?
At a team gathering where we had some drinks, one of them even told my boss, in front of me: “This new girl [an intern they hired] is a good hire, because she actually knows to drink.” I mean… what kind of messed up nonsense is that? That’s the standard now?
So here I am… going through these conversations and situations in my mind, thinking and rethinking and feeling that maybe is me that does not know how to act. That is my fault.
With the help of my therapist, most of the time I am well. I understand that it does not say things about me. But about them. That it is not my fault how they behave.
Nevertheless… I am so mad that I have to be the one that thinks about changing my job, because I know that people can’t change and… in an environment that praises the bullies, no action will be taken.